Would I Do it Again?
I’m trying not to regret becoming a Christian
I’m writing this because writing can be cathartic. I also can’t afford a counselor.
In 1995, I became a Christian. Baptism and all. Basically, I did it for a girl, the oldest reason in the book. Like Adam, I wandered around my early 20s without anyone to share life with when I finally met my future wife, a practicing Christian. Which, comes with all the temptations, including dangling the fruit of becoming a Christian if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
Prior to her, I had been an agnostic and seemed to have the bad habit of meeting fantastic girls who seemed to like me, except for the non-Christian part. So I decided that maybe it was time to rethink my faith.
With help from others, I soon became a Christian. To an outsider, it probably seemed like the normal evolution of a new Christian. Baptized, married, kids, active church member, study groups, leading youth groups, and all the other things young Christians do to evangelize in the church.
Looking back on it, I can honestly say I was forcing myself into the life. Like eating healthy food because you know you should, but just hating broccoli no matter how much butter you use.
I did what I thought I was supposed to do, including the beginning of Christian indoctrination to my two children.
However, the burnout that comes with volunteering at church was real. I needed a break from that and my wife wanted something less evangelical.
We found a new church, and for a few years, I was able to just sit and get. We didn’t participate in study groups, midweek services, or Sunday School. Plus, the service was an hour long, exactly.
At this time, I had been an active Christian for 20 years. But the doubts I always had about the Bible, Jesus, and God that I forced into a “Do Not Disturb” box couldn’t stay shut. Reason and life experiences began to shout at me to challenge the status quo.
It’s cliche at this point, but the election of Trump and seeing how the Evangelical church supported him was the biting of the apple I needed to abandon this little Garden of Eden.
I mean, what the fuck?
I started doubting everything and worried that I caused harm by being active in the evangelical church. Did I help create a non-tolerant community by misapplying and misunderstanding biblical teaching? Did I contribute to conspiracy thinking by MAGA and anti-vaxxers by teaching that Adam and Eve and Noah’s Ark actually might have been real? Have I taught girls that their goal in life is to be a meek, Christian wife?
These thoughts plague me as I feel like I abandoned who I really was just to get married.
However, my greatest pride and joy in life are my children. They would not be here today had I not traveled down this road, so far that, I’m grateful.
REPENTING
Today, I have honest conversations with my kids. They are definitely free-thinkers, which I’m happy about. I worry for my nieces and nephews who are being raised as fundamentalists and will be attending conservative colleges, but I can’t do much about that.
I worry for my country where Christian Nationalism is grabbing hold of weaker minds. Did I contribute to that?
I want to reach younger Christians and have them think critically about what they are being taught. I want them to know that Jesus is more like Bernie Sanders than Donald Trump. I want them to know that Purity Culture is harmful. I want them to know that the Bible is a beautiful book, but not perfect.
I still attend study groups because I like learning and conversation. I like podcasts about Christianity and the Bible for the same reasons. I don’t attend church anymore, but I will listen to sermons online because I like those. I don’t want to give up on Christianity. But isn’t it okay to seek a Christianity that matches who I fundamentally am, not a fundamentalist dogma built on lies?
I want to help others navigate life after church. I don’t know if there are support groups for this, but I feel like that could be a good thing. A lot of people are hurting as they rethink their Christian lives.
